Heart Check....

Hello All,

It is 9:40 pm here and I should be in bed. I like to write while things are fresh so I am pushing through and hoping to sleep late tomorrow. We have been losing so much sleep lately that I feel fuzzy like I did when I gave birth to our children and wasn't sleeping. We have been getting up really early for lots of consecutive mornings and then sleeping in unfamiliar places and I have been losing sleep each night. On top of the sicknesses we have experienced this past weekend, we are fading. Jimmy mentioned our bouts with a virus over the past couple of days. Now I can say, I've been tested for Malaria. It wasn't really exciting but it does take some of the fear factor away because for a day, I felt like I had it and after you come to the conclusion that you might have it and are still alive, you decide, well if I get it, then I get it. We can only work so hard at prevention from all the things we've been warned about, but in the end you have to decide whether to live in fear or do what you need to do and then live normally. This is the part I've struggled with over the past 3 weeks. Each day has its joys and fears, but I was hoping to be past some of the fears at this point in the trip. We've been here long enough to not feel like we are on vacation but to be able to experience life in Africa. I am so thankful that we are getting a good taste of what life would have been like if Zuri had grown up here. We will have much to tell her about as she grows. I want to say that I have been able to blend in like our children, but I feel like I am the one struggling the most. I feel very "girly" because the things I am looking forward to most is leaving behind the dirt and bugs. Its not that I really mind getting that dirty but fear is getting the best of me more times than I am proud to admit....keep shoes on, so you won't get a burrowing varmit in your toe, you need to be in by 7 because the mosquitos will be out then, yada, yada, yada...Jimmy compartmentalizes much better than I do so he can take precautions and then go about his day....me on the other hand takes precautions then carries the fears with me as I go about my day. This morning as I was talking with Jimmy I explained my anxiety with him and that I had had enough. I noted that I felt like all other mazungu's (word here for white people...we hear it yelled at us all the time in the villages) that we see around seem to be fitting in just fine and me on the other hand am still not at peace. We agreed that I needed some time with my daddy. Sorry Deddy, this time needed to be spent with my DADDY! So I got Jimmy's bible (mine was too heavy to pack) and set out for some quiet time. I read different verses about fear. I knew that if there was a way for Satan to distract me it would be through fear. I read other verses about casting all your cares upon him for he cares for you....I realized that I had not cast all my cares upon him and was carrying all of them. For those of you who aren't a part of our little 5:14 community, we lost a dear friend last week to sudden death. It was very unexpected and has broken our hearts. I have had her and her family on my mind every day since and it is very hard to be away from you guys (the Turners and Richardsons) and all the others that loved her. We know you are all processing this together but it still feels very unreal to us and we know it will be something we will have to believe when we get back and Pam is not there. I have stuggled some with guilt of wanting to be home, when all the others here have to stay. I think I felt the Lord telling me tonight that if He calls us somewhere, he will give us the strength to stay....it must not be His timing...or am I just not trusting Him. Its sometimes hard to know the answers to these tough questions.
I wanted to share these thoughts with you to give some specifics you could pray for. Our heathy family is now fighting churning stomachs, but now that we are back at GSF are hoping they settle some. I loved being with Claudia and her girls this past weekend. They are feeling like family and I am excited we have built a bond that hopefully Zuri will be able to keep the rest of her life. She is their sister, and we appreciate that. We have asked Claudia to be on the lookout for Zuri's next sister or brother. We don't know how we would do it again, but just feel like God is not finished with this American/Ugandan family.
I appologize if I have rambled on. My blogs are free flowing and you just have to keep up because I wasn't given the gift of writing like my hubby. We miss everyone terribly! I miss Mom and Deddy! I guess you're always someones little girl! Oh, Jimmy and I wanted to remind you how much of a help it was when you were there when we brought home Boe, Mac, and Leia....hint, hint......you too MeMaw and Allen. Zuri is so precious, we are just so excited to introduce her to you all...just like we did when we showed off our biological ones....Isn't God Remarkable!!! He created her for us....I just don't have the strethmarks with this one! Well, time to go to bed, I'm rambling...... Love and miss you all!!!